Stoic Countenance

I took a bit of a breather from the blog (and parts of life, really).  Since it's been a while, and I'm starting anew, the blog is going to be getting a bit of a makeover. Honestly, I was super busy at work and then just the emotional side of everything we're going through was just a bit too much. I've blown off quite a bit the past few weeks simply because I just couldn't focus. Now that we've passed an important deadline at work and it's not as crazy busy, I'll be taking some time to breath and attempt to relax. 

As mentioned earlier, F and I are working with the fertility clinic to try and conceive. Leading up to that decision was already quite the emotional roller coaster. Everyone's life is filled with peaks and valleys, but lately I was just overwhelmed emotionally.

F and I deal with our emotions very similarly - we acknowledge that something is off, but we put on our happy faces and move on with life and try to stay as positive as possible. (Not to mean we don't talk to each other about our feelings, we just have both decided together that it's best for us to try to not dwell on things we can't control and to not set our expectations too high.) Things get bottled up and it builds. I finally hit my peak a couple weeks ago at work, when I got a very nasty and aggressive call from none other than my insurance company. The billing system through my insurance is not simple. You pay your designated co-pay, but can get billed for additional charges after-the-fact. That's all fine, except charges for the doctor and hospital/treatment center come separately. Leading to you thinking, "Didn't I pay this already?" Then, because it's the fertility department, only they can apply payments. In this case, I got a bill for about $230, but had credits on my account of $170 still pending. 

Needless to say, I was in a bit of a tizzy, when I got a call from the billing center that I was overly past due and needed to take care of the balance on my account to prevent collection action. The call just shoved me over the edge of my emotional cliff. I went and sat by myself to calm down and breathe. But the more I tried to calm down, the more emotions kept popping up and different thoughts. I was a mess. My mom kept telling me, "It's ok. Calm down and we'll call back for clarification." But I just couldn't calm down.  

Wanting to have children, and not being able to for whatever reason (for us it is unknown/unexplained) puts an incredible strain on you both mentally and physically. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but it was something I naively assumed would just happen when I wanted it to. We used to joke that all my dad had to do was to puff some air at my mom and she would fall pregnant. She was Fertile Myrtle. Why wouldn't I be? Facing infertility is one of the toughest things I've gone through/am going through. You question everything: your confidence, your body, your relationship with your partner, your relationship with family and friends. All of it is no longer as it once was.

Many people who are infertile or are going through fertility treatment are suffering; in secret or with a select few. There is a giant sense of grief that you carry; left unseen to the rest of the world. It's carried by you and with you for many years. And there really is no way to working through those stages of grief because it seems to never end. It goes on and on. It's in these moments that you learn, strength is not always synonymous with strong.  After spending the entire weekend after receiving that call going through every single invoice I have received since the beginning of us trying to get pregnant, comparing it to our account online and the billing history, I called back on Monday. Low and behold, the charges she was accusing me of not paying had never been billed and there were no past due charges.

Sometimes, in order to protect ourselves, we have to try to fall in love with the idea of a different life, a different future, that the one we had panned. At some point, we try to make the decision not to cry day after day. Not to go through life sad, disappointed, angry and confused. But sometimes, we're just not okay, regardless of outward appearances. 

It's okay to admit.
It's okay to be real.



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